Remembering Your Why

The Spiritual and the Scientific

“Trust the process.” God save me, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard that phrase. I heard it the other day, and the mouth from which it came? An über-spiritual friend of mine who considers themselves an “empath.” 1. I love this person very deeply 2. They know that I’m naturally a bit of a skeptic due to aspects in the following paragraphs, I told them I was going to use them as an example in my article, to which they laughed and said “go ahead.” So there it is, and my response: Ugh. I cannot express the irritation (They laughed at that too).

I’m going to get into the ADHD stuff here in a second, don’t you worry, and it all ties in. They say true artists can find inspiration in almost anything. Well, consider me inspired – just maybe don’t expect a Van Gogh.

As already mentioned, I love my über-spirituals, in whatever format they choose. However, I was raised in an environment rife with biblical sayings, and über-spiritual people quoting all aspects of biblical text – and eventually it drove me away.

In similar fashion, I’ve spent a lot of time with “empaths.” I lived and worked in the outdoor industry in the desert for a while, and the desert is full of über-spiritual folk, many of whom identify as empaths. The above previous über-spiritual experiences, added to a healthy dose of the below (studying solid science) helped to drive me away here as well.

I studied the sciences in college, 3 solid years of biology, chemistry, physics, psychology, etc. It was actually due to the people mentioned above that I dove so deeply into the sciences. In contrast to the super spiritual, the sciences are uncompromisingly reliable. When I found out I had ADHD, I dove further into the psychological sciences. With stunning accuracy, when the variables are known, psychological diagnoses can be solid, and life-changing. My diagnosis was life-changing. Contrastingly, “Trust the process” is as solid to me as “pray about it.” Trite, ineffectual, bromidic

Remember

Now, of course there is a place for sayings like “trust the process” or “keep calm and carry on,” or “pray about it.” For many of us these are bastions of hope, and I admit to my own – it’s just the word “remember.” This is actually not from “the Lion King,” but as I recognize that’s what most likely popped into your head, I went with it. Anyway, I think “remember,” strikes me differently than those overused colloquialisms because it’s mine; it’s not that it’s incredibly clever, or better than “just do it.” The reason so many similar sayings strike me as banal is probably that they’re plastered all over everything. I’m a verbal processor (read: works things out as they come out of their mouth), and it strikes me that if I remove my personal prejudice to those sayings, I can recognize they may be a personal statement for others. What do these statements do? I think when it comes down to it, they provide self-affirmation of our grit. For me, “remember” is short for “remember how far you’ve come,” “remember” reminds me of the immense struggles I’ve had to face to arrive where I am; that while I’m not where I’d like to be, “remember” means I’m on my way.

Your Why

My ‘why’ is a laundry list of “tiny little mistakes” as my coach friends and I like to say, tiny little mistakes that grow into mountains of mistakes, oceans of mistakes; galaxies of them. I bought a car that was a solid lemon, but from a “mechanic.” It was beautiful, and it was fast – when it ran. In the end though, I spent $10k on it over the 10 months I owned it and unloaded it as fast as I could. My neurotypical brother-in-law saw that coming 10 miles up the track, warned me about it, and I was like “it’ll work out” – it did not work out.

I also went on a trip to Europe in 2012 for Octoberfest and to just travel, I saved $1500 for the whole trip, it cost $5k by the end. A bad, uneducated, and irresponsible mistake. These are just financial mistakes, one of the challenges many with ADHD experience.

I’ve been in several different unhealthy relationships due to impulsivity. “She was really pretty” or “we were having fun,” or whatever. Can I say those decisions were strictly due to ADHD? It’s hard to tell. I can say that many of them ended with me experiencing a lot of existential anxiety, and anxiety is one of the first comorbidities (co-occurring conditions) that can present with ADHD.

Shortly, stopping by my adolescence, I can see how ADHD affected me even then, in fact that ‘s one way ADHD is diagnosed – asking about your adolescence. Specifically questions like “how many tickets or car accidents have you gotten/been in (Identifier of impulsivity)? – the answer was “A LOT.” For the record I’m a great driver now.

ADHD literally affects every aspect of our lives, so the defeats in my adult life could have very well been any number of things. Aspects like novelty, lack of emotional flexibility, impulsivity, inability to change perspectives, metacognition, etc., are all areas in which the ADHD brain struggles or lacks completely – and “the little mistakes” begin to pile up.

An Explanation, Not an Excuse.

This isn’t a pity party. I’ve done much of my grieving; and grieving it was. I didn’t know the mistakes I was making while doing so. I did my best, that’s all any of us do, but with ADHD our best misses stuff. So yeah, grief: grief for the life that could have been, for where I could be without this disorder, who I could have married – being raised religious, I planned on being married by no later than 25 – this also shook my faith. See, all of the moments I held dear, the milestones that I looked forward to my entire life just didn’t happen. As my mentor Diane McLean, MEd, MCC says (and yes, I used this in my last article, but…shut up) “every milestone is a period of grieving.” Returning to the title of this section: this is an explanation of the challenges faced by people who really struggle with ADHD.

One of the things I hear most often from my clients is “I’m afraid I’m not living up to my potential.” I mean, what a question to have looming over your head all the time; what a truly difficult experience that is; the feeling like you’ll just never be good enough. A difficult (though objectively understandable) part of it can be the lack of empathy and care given by the ones who claim to love us.

No Hall-Pass for You

Just because you’ve been diagnosed with a neurodevelopmental disorder proven to deeply affect every area of your life, doesn’t mean you get a hall pass.

For clarity, these aren’t my thoughts or words. I totally think you should get some kind of pass. I mean, Jesus. That lack of empathy listed above sometimes comes in like a torrent. In my life, there was a time of real strife due to differing degrees of understanding of the situation, and a little resistance to scientific fact. Admittedly, I used miles of expletives because honestly, “loved ones” have no idea what you’ve experienced. Your loving, caring relatives will take your – completely unbeknownst to you – just figured it out – neurodivergent path and highlight for you what a monstrous mess you are. It’s good though because, I mean, how could you remember otherwise? I mean outside the fact that your life seems to have been at a standstill since you were in your early twenties, while it also seems like a category 5 hurricane came through and, you know, did what they do; your finances are literally a sinkhole in the back yard of your life, and you haven’t even approached marriage with someone because you’re trying to find work that you feel would be able to contribute that you also don’t deeply hate…it sure is good that they’re around to remind you that you’re the equivalent of what their dog leaves on the carpet daily. Kidding, kidding. Nobody has relatives like that…but if they did, they’d totally ignore the fact that there’s science that shows that your level of thinking wasn’t up to your age when you sunk $21k into that POS sports car, and say it was just that “you’re stubborn” and “you only do what you want to do” and “you never listen.” It’s a good thing they love you.

By the way, that wasn’t specifically aimed at anyone, however it is a set of things I’ve heard, but I’m so not the only one. It’s ok: People don’t understand what they don’t understand. Especially neurotypicals. Since Neurotypicals are the typical, they run into “different” people less often, and thus really struggle with the idea that anyone else’s life could be any different than theirs. The real rub of it, is that eventually, this neurodivergent brain that struggles with emotional dysregulation has to choose to be the bigger person and move forward: if only for yourself. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says, life is not some kind of game that you win or lose – it’s a unique experience for everyone, and I can confidently say that whatever society has prescribed as “the right way” just doesn’t always happen for all of us – in another article I’ll write about all the amazing things neurodiversity has done for me – I’ve had experiences most people dream about – and I intend to have more.

The [Person] in the Arena

If you’re familiar with Brené Brown, or Theodore Roosevelt, you may have come across TR’s “Man in the Arena” speech. Brown says that in all her years of research of vulnerability, bravery, courage, and shame, she’s never come across a more exact picture of it than the Man in the Arena speech.

I’ve come to realize that ADHD nearly always forces us to be that person in the arena. Many times, our vulnerabilities are out there. We wear them on our sleeves, because honestly we don’t even consider they could go anywhere else; this can be a source of deep pain and shame. However, this can then create the environment to practice immense levels of courage and bravery, because we’ve been living raw our whole lives, and you can keep hitting that raw point, and the more it gets hit, the more opportunity we have to learn from it.

I can say that in my experience, it’s true that 10-20% of life is what happens to us, and the rest is how we respond. Our weaknesses can become our most powerful strengths, if we’re able to continue to bravely choose vulnerability. Just because we have heightened emotions (we do, I’ll talk about that another time as well), doesn’t mean we have to be subject to them, and the more heightened, the more power comes from taming them.

Show Up for You

In “Remembering Your Why: The Spiritual and The Scientific,” the writer grapples with the tension between spiritual beliefs and scientific understanding, particularly through the lens of their own life experiences, including living with ADHD. They recount numerous instances where the phrase “Trust the process,” often shared by a deeply spiritual, empathic friend, clashes with their more skeptical, science-oriented perspective. Despite this, there’s a deep affection for their friend and an acknowledgment of the complexity of navigating life’s challenges with ADHD.

Raised in an environment filled with spiritual and biblical sayings, the author found themselves increasingly distanced from these beliefs, instead gravitating towards the concrete reliability of the sciences. This journey into science was partly in response to their spiritual surroundings and was further solidified upon their ADHD diagnosis, which highlighted the precision and life-changing potential of psychological science. However, the phrase “Remember,” emerges as a personal mantra, encapsulating the importance of acknowledging one’s journey, struggles, and the responsibility of choices made, especially when ADHD complicates decision-making processes.

The narrative delves into the concept of one’s “why,” illustrating it with personal anecdotes of misjudgments, like a costly lemon of a car and impulsivity in relationships, underscoring the pervasive impact of ADHD. These experiences aren’t presented as excuses but as explanations for the complex reality of living with ADHD, emphasizing that despite the challenges, there’s no “hall pass” for those diagnosed with the condition. This section also touches on the frustration of dealing with misunderstandings from others, particularly neurotypicals, who may not fully grasp the ADHD experience.

The writer aligns with Brené Brown’s and Theodore Roosevelt’s views on vulnerability and courage, seeing their own life as a continuous battle in the arena, marked by vulnerability due to ADHD. They advocate for embracing vulnerability and learning from the rawness of their experiences.

Finally, the article reflects on the value of motivational sayings and personal affirmations, even those that might seem cliché or overly commercialized. The author recognizes their own previous skepticism towards such phrases but comes to see their potential for empowerment, particularly when they remind us of our strength and resilience. They conclude with an open-minded stance towards spiritual beliefs, acknowledging their ongoing journey towards understanding and accepting different perspectives, all while emphasizing the importance of remembering one’s personal “why” and the power of showing up for oneself amidst life’s challenges.

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